..and that makes 4.

The only thing worse than having a miscarriage is starting to have your 4th one while you're at work and still having to smile and pretend like everything is okay. I still have to go to the ultrasound appointment on the 22nd, but I have absolutely no hope at this point...It's kinda sad too that I won't ever know if it was twins or not (we had a feeling it was twins). Thank you so so much for following our first IVF attempt and supporting us by sending good vibes and thoughts our way. But, this makes 4 miscarriages in 18 months so we've decided to take a baby break. We plan to try a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) next time which means I won't have to do all the shots again, but that won't be until next summer at the very soonest. 
so...
IVF#1 = success, then m/c @ 4w6d   EDD June 12, 2011

*TMI Warning*

Although I have yet to see the doctor to confirm the miscarriage, I'm 100% sure the baby is gone because of the amount of blood and tissue that I saw. It's never okay to have blood running down your leg at any stage of pregnancy, but the sudden cramping and bright red bleeding really caught me off guard. I guess I was just waiting for a clear sign that this pregnancy was ending.. other than the loss of all pregnancy symptoms and the spotting. I've been through this 3 times before, I know this kind of cramping, and I know what to look for. The worst part is, I'm almost relieved that I got an answer one way or the other... and that makes me feel like a horrible person.
Thanks again for following our little adventure. I was really touched by the number of people who supported us from afar. Don't be sad for us. Of course we are disappointed, but we honestly believe that everything happens just the way it is supposed to and this just wasn't our forever baby. I'll post again after I see the doctor to confirm what went wrong.

Worry, worry, worry

I still don't feel pregnant. I've had no morning sickness or anything. I've been spotting more and more, and the cramping is getting worse and all the nurse keeps telling me is to stay on my meds and we'll see what things look like at the ultrasound on the 22nd. I really don't have much hope and the wait is killing me, but then again I knew the risks before we started IVF. I tried to make myself feel better by making a side-by-side list of the things that should make feel secure about this pregnancy vs reasons I should be worried... that was a bad idea. Now I have this long list of reasons why I should be worried, and only one reason not to: I have 22 snow babies waiting so we can try again if I lose this baby too.  Not very comforting at all.

The other thing that's freaking me out is how high my betas are! They were over 800 at 12dpt/17 dpo (12 days after the transfer or 17 days after "ovulation") Of course I'm thinking multiples which is terrifying in itself, but what if it is and I'm losing one of them (which would explain the spotting) or worse yet what if it's ectopic and not viable to begin with... I'd be losing a fallopian tube.  Today sucks. I wish I could turn off my brain, or atleast be naive and oblivious to the fact that pregnancy doesn't always mean "having a baby".

please send me some :::positivity:::  vibes   or   atleast  :::an answer one way or the other::: vibes
I'm gonna need them.

48 Hour Betas: Results

Quick Update:

Betas over 800! They only needed to be over 600!

We have an ultrasound on October 22nd to (hopefully) see a heartbeat.

Yay!

GOOD NEWS! I am 4 weeks pregnant!

I got my results back from this morning's blood test!  I AM NOT losing the baby! Yesteday's light test was just a defect in the test itself. The spotting and cramping isn't exactly normal, but as far as they can tell, nothing is wrong and I just need to stay positive and keep taking my progesterone.
Results:
Betas: 308! (They were looking for a number above 100)
Progesterone: 36 (Above 20 is good)

so everything is apparently A-OK in my uterus :)

I have my second set of betas on wednesday...and if that number is over 600 then we are in the clear (for now)


Yay for not having another early miscarriage!

9dpt Not a good sign.

While it is perfectly normal to have cramping and spotting during early pregnancy... it is terrifying nonetheless. I woke up today to cramping and a backache, I took another test (even though I wasn't going to and really shouldn't have) and it was definitely lighter than yesterday's test. I woke Rye up to see if he saw the same thing and he said it looked the same to him, but he was still half asleep. ::fingerscrossed::: that I drank too much water before bed and diluted my urine.

*TMI warning*

A little while later, I noticed some bright pink spotting so I decided to check my cervix just for peace of mind... it is super soft and open... it should be closed up tight. These are all very bad signs so I called my doctor's office and the receptionist fit me in tomorrow morning for a check (this is the fourth time I've had to call on a weekend about a threatened miscarriage in the last 18 months) and some bloodwork. I knew there was a reason I didn't feel right. I've had absolutely no morning sickness (every other time I've been knocked up, I was sick before I even got the positive result on the test). So I guess I'll find out tomorrow wtf  is going on. For now, I'm just going to continue my meds, stop taking tests and start sending positive vibes into my ute.
The good news is that at least we have 22 frozen totsicles so we try again if we have to... (once we pay down some debt in a few months) and a frozen embryo transfer is waaaayy less expensive and much easier on my body than what we just went through.

Here are the two tests: Today's is on top, and yesterdays is underneath
(yesterday's test looks really dark because it has been drying for 24 hours, but you can see how light the new test came out and why it freake dme out a bit)

8dpt...

Different test.... but the line is lighter. I'm going to stop taking tests every morning because it's going to worry me to much, and there's no need for extra stress. I had that "OMG I'm pregnant " moment last night and ended up worrying myself to the point that I decided that the lines I saw on the tests were not really lines, but defects in the Dollar store brand tests.  It's so unfair that miscarriages not only take away your hope for one pregnancy, but also every pregnancy that follows. I don't think I'll be able to relax until I have my baby safely in my arms.

Next post will be Beta HCG blood test results on tuesday. Have a good weekend :)

7dpt

One week post transfer!

and there it is... the no question "Holy Shit! I'm pregnant and there's a good chance it'll result in a baby" pink line!
Ta da :)



and, of course, I inverted the colors to make sure I wasn't seeing things...



Yay! I've never been so excited about peeing on something!

Last night, Rye and I went out to dinner with his cousin and as we were walking into the restaurant I was telling him about my day at work. I used the phrase "because I'm pregnant" and he stopped in his tracks like it had just hit him like a ton of bricks... he gave me a big hug and cheesy grin.  I think it finally sunk in for him.

One day closer to being a family istead of just a couple :)