I still don't feel pregnant. I've had no morning sickness or anything. I've been spotting more and more, and the cramping is getting worse and all the nurse keeps telling me is to stay on my meds and we'll see what things look like at the ultrasound on the 22nd. I really don't have much hope and the wait is killing me, but then again I knew the risks before we started IVF. I tried to make myself feel better by making a side-by-side list of the things that should make feel secure about this pregnancy vs reasons I should be worried... that was a bad idea. Now I have this long list of reasons why I should be worried, and only one reason not to: I have 22 snow babies waiting so we can try again if I lose this baby too. Not very comforting at all.
The other thing that's freaking me out is how high my betas are! They were over 800 at 12dpt/17 dpo (12 days after the transfer or 17 days after "ovulation") Of course I'm thinking multiples which is terrifying in itself, but what if it is and I'm losing one of them (which would explain the spotting) or worse yet what if it's ectopic and not viable to begin with... I'd be losing a fallopian tube. Today sucks. I wish I could turn off my brain, or atleast be naive and oblivious to the fact that pregnancy doesn't always mean "having a baby".
please send me some :::positivity::: vibes or atleast :::an answer one way or the other::: vibes
I'm gonna need them.
I can't tell you not to worry, because I would too (and have), but I can tell you this: You'll never make sense of it all, so just go through the process with as much calm as you can muster ans lean on those who love you. I lost my first baby when I as 3.5 months pregnant. I thought I was going to die from sadness. When I got pregnant a 2nd time and lost it, I was convinced that I wasn't meant to be a Mama, and another piece of me died. At my first US with my son, they told me the pregnancy wasn't viable. But I told them that the baby just needed some more time...inside however, I was LOST. Two weeks later, there he was. He'll be a year old and every day he heals my wounds a little more. He can never replace what I lost, but I am so glad I kept going. I can't tell you that this is going to be *it*. I wish I could but-Keep going, b/c you never know what this journey will bring you. I've got everything crossed for you!
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